I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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