Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
