Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
