Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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