She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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