Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
