One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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