so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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