Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
