after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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