Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
