my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
