Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
