I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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