he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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