the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
