Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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