he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
