I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A+ Viking dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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