This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
