apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
