how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
