I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
