I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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