He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
