Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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