My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
