This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i've created a new STD.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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