i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
