Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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