Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
