Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
