You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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