Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i've created a new STD.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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