You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
