awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
