In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
