I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
