So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
