Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My life is pants optional.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
