I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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