2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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