wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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