I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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