he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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