I'm lost and stupid without you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
