dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
