3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
