This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
