So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
