tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Houston, we have a blender
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
